Vermont CHESS Information Website
My computer beat me at chess.
Why shouldn't you ever buy a house from a chess player?
Why can Gary Kasparov not play golf?
Three retired International chess grandmasters
were playing chess in the park.
Of course... Not...
A husband and wife were
sitting across the board when, suddenly, the wife starts thinking of death. She
turns to her husband and asks, "Honey, if I pass away would you give your next
wife my $5,000.00 diamond ring?"
Two friends meet on the street one day, and one
of them says: "My wife says that if I go to the chess match tomorrow, she will
take my children and leave me."
A Chess Player is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The Chess player says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets's pawn. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day; remember that the Chess Board is like an ocean; full of fish".
The warden, who does not play chess, had no idea what he's taking about. Not believing him, he reminds the Chess player that it is illegal to fish without a license. The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, "CHECK. If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water."
The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, "What fish!?"
Played out of house and home
Two guys are playing Chess. They decided to
have a bet on the result of each game. Rather than bet with money they
gambled with their household goods. After three games one guy had lost his
TV, his radio and his vacuum cleaner.
A guy gets on a long-distance flight. He's just
getting comfortable when somebody sits down next to him. He looks up and wow,
it's Garry Kasparov.
An open seat...
A chess master died. After a few days, a
friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
Anybody got a clock?
Two chess players are playing a correspondence
game. White lives at the
News Flash -- Chess banned as politically incorrect... (Tongue in cheek, folks!)
BERKELEY, CA - The Berkeley Board of Education voted last night to ban the game of Chess from all of its elementary, junior high and high schools. The board claims that Chess has a negative influence on students because of the backwards and outdated thinking that was responsible for creating the game.
The board compiled a list of seven grievances against Chess. The list claims:
Said a board spokesperson, "There is no place in our society for a monstrous game like Chess. Chess is dangerous. Chess is destructive. Chess teaches racial and sexual oppression. Chess has got to go!"
"Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?" -- George Carlin
Road Construction for 500, Alex...
What's the difference between a chess player and Boston traffic?
A chess player moves every now and then...
A nod to FoxTrot:
Classic Quotes from Bobby Fisher:
"You can only get good at chess if you love
the game." - Bobby Fischer
"I like to make them squirm." - Bobby Fischer
The virtues of patience...
"When you don't know what to do, wait for your opponent to get an idea; it is sure to be bad." - Siegbert Tarrasch (1862-1934)
George Bernard Shaw, famous spokesman, author, and literary critic, had the following to say about chess:
"Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever, when they are only wasting their time." George Bernard Shaw
Wacky Definitions for chess couples...
BOARD: What chess widows are at chess tournaments with their husbands.
FOOL'S MATE: A chess player's spouse.
STALEMATE: A spouse who keeps repeating the same old jokes.
You can always tell who the chess player is in a crowded restaurant. He's the one who jumps every time someone calls for their 'check'...
Just One More Game...
What makes a tired chess player happy?
Taking a Knight off...
No Anchovies, Please...
What is the difference between a professional chess player and a large pepperoni pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four...
The Great Russian Chess Joke
This joke has been told many times in many forms, but it is such a classic it deserves to shared. Especially for those who haven't heard it yet:
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in