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December 2006

Round Three

My computer beat me at chess.

My computer is not as good at Tae kwon Do.

I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreaking round.


November 2006

Closing Time

Why shouldn't you ever buy a house from a chess player?

He'll take forever to move!


October 2006

Fore!

Why can Gary Kasparov not play golf?

He doesn't like Putin!


September 2006

Say what?

Three retired International chess grandmasters were playing chess in the park.

The first grandmaster said, "It's windy today."

The second grandmaster said, "No, It's Thursday today".

The third grandmaster said, "Me too, let's go back inside for a drink."


August 2006

Of course... Not...

A husband and wife were sitting across the board when, suddenly, the wife starts thinking of death. She turns to her husband and asks, "Honey, if I pass away would you give your next wife my $5,000.00 diamond ring?"

The husband replies "Of course I would, I wouldn't want to see it go to waste."

The wife then asks, "Would you give her my collection of mink coats?"

The husband replies, "Of course I would, I don't want to see them turn into moth food."

The wife then asks, "Would you give her my House of Staunton Imperial Ebony Chess Set in the Mahogany box that you bought for me last week?"

"Of course not," the husband says, "she plays bridge!!!"


July 2006

Standard opening...

Two friends meet on the street one day, and one of them says: "My wife says that if I go to the chess match tomorrow, she will take my children and leave me."

The other asks him: "And what you will do?"

And the other answers:  "Same as always -- e4"


June 2006

Check!

A Chess Player is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The Chess player says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets's pawn. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day; remember that the Chess Board is like an ocean; full of fish".

The warden, who does not play chess, had no idea what he's taking about.  Not believing him, he reminds the Chess player that it is illegal to fish without a license. The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, "CHECK. If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water."

The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, "What fish!?"


May 2006

Played out of house and home

Two guys are playing Chess.  They decided to have a bet on the result of each game.  Rather than bet with money they gambled with their household goods.  After three games one guy had lost his TV, his radio and his vacuum cleaner.



The guy with the White pieces asked his opponent what he was putting up next.

"I'll bet my kettle." he says.

So this is a case of...




"Black calling the kettle into a pot!"


April 2006

Left brained?

A guy gets on a long-distance flight. He's just getting comfortable when somebody sits down next to him. He looks up and wow, it's Garry Kasparov.

Kasparov basks for a moment in the recognition. Some way into the flight, the meals are cleared away and Garry produces an elegant little wooden travel chess set. He begins to play.

After a while Kasparov asks the guy whether he would like to play chess to kill time. The guy replies, "Hey Garry, You think I don't know who you are?  I can't compete with a world champion."  Kasparov replies, "'How about if I play left handed?"

The guy thinks about this for a minute, then agrees. He is demolished in 8 moves, and is inconsolable for the rest of the journey.

On landing he meets his friend, who asks him how the flight was. "It was terrible," he says. "Completely humiliating. I played chess with Garry Kasparov and he beat me in spite of him playing left-handed!"

His friend replies - "Ha! You were swindled! Dude, Garry Kasparov is left-handed!!"


March 2006

An open seat...

A chess master died.  After a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."


February 2006

Anybody got a clock?

Two chess players are playing a correspondence game. White lives at the
South Pole. Black lives at the North Pole. The postal service is rather
slow and play proceeds at the rate of one move per year. After 15 years of
play, white makes a daring queen sacrifice, the consequences of which are
by no means clear. A year later, as he sees the postman returning, he is
very excited. He thinks "Will black take my queen ?", "Is the sacrifice
sound ?"  He tears open the reply and sees "J'adoube".


January 2006

News Flash -- Chess banned as politically incorrect...  (Tongue in cheek, folks!)

BERKELEY, CA - The Berkeley Board of Education voted last night to ban the game of Chess from all of its elementary, junior high and high schools. The board claims that Chess has a negative influence on students because of the backwards and outdated thinking that was responsible for creating the game.

The board compiled a list of seven grievances against Chess. The list claims:

  1. Chess glorifies war.
     
  2. Chess encourages racism by having a 'war' between a white army and a black army.
     
  3. Chess reinforces current racist tendencies in our society by always having the white army move first.
     
  4. Chess is irrelevant to our society because it was created by dead white guys.
     
  5. Chess oppressively reinforces heterosexual stereotypes. It does this by forcing each army to have a king and a queen and by not allowing the game to be played with either two kings or two queens.
     
  6. Chess is guilty of breaking the separation of church and state by allowing a bishop to be a belligerent in war.
     
  7. Chess destroys self-esteem. When children play the game, one always loses. Losing causes a child to feel dumb and inadequate.

Said a board spokesperson, "There is no place in our society for a monstrous game like Chess. Chess is dangerous. Chess is destructive. Chess teaches racial and sexual oppression. Chess has got to go!"


December 2005

Holiday shopping...

"Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?"  -- George Carlin


November 2005

Road Construction for 500, Alex...

What's the difference between a chess player and Boston traffic?

A chess player moves every now and then...


October 2005

A nod to FoxTrot:

 


September 2005

Classic Quotes from Bobby Fisher:

"You can only get good at chess if you love the game." - Bobby Fischer

"If I win, I'm a genius. If I don't, I'm not." - Bobby Fischer

"Chess is life." - Bobby Fischer

"I like to make them squirm." - Bobby Fischer


August 2005

The virtues of patience...

"When you don't know what to do, wait for your opponent to get an idea; it is sure to be bad." - Siegbert Tarrasch (1862-1934)


July 2005

George Bernard Shaw, famous spokesman, author, and literary critic, had the following to say about chess:

"Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever, when they are only wasting their time." George Bernard Shaw


June 2005

Wacky Definitions for chess couples...

BOARD:  What chess widows are at chess tournaments with their husbands.

FOOL'S MATE:  A chess player's spouse.

STALEMATE:  A spouse who keeps repeating the same old jokes.


May 2005

"Bill, please..."

You can always tell who the chess player is in a crowded restaurant.  He's the one who jumps every time someone calls for their 'check'...


April 2005

Just One More Game...

What makes a tired chess player happy?

Taking a Knight off...


March 2005

No Anchovies, Please...

What is the difference between a professional chess player and a large pepperoni pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four...


February 2005

The Great Russian Chess Joke

This joke has been told many times in many forms, but it is such a classic it deserves to shared.  Especially for those who haven't heard it yet:

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They stay and watch and are astonished, and say: "What a clever dog!" But the man protests, saying: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"


January, 2005

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."